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Trinicontact - 10 Things I wish people knew about me

10. I'm gay

Yeah, that's right. However, if you saw me on the street you wouldn't know that -- trust me. I'm in my teens, but I'm not going to tell you how old less you try to guess who I am. I still go to school, but likewise I'm not telling you which.

9. What being gay means (like I can *really* fit this into a paragraph)

Being gay, in short, means that I am attracted to people of the same sex. And that is ALL. This naturally allows for an enormous range of possibilities. Firstly, a gay person can be male or female, the female version often being called lesbians. These include transsexuals, who think they are (or wish to be) members of the opposite sex, and so are attracted to people whom they are currently the same sex as. They also include trans*vestites*, or cross-dressers, who merely *dress* as the opposite sex. These two, however, are minorities. A lot of people get confused about this. Gay men are not all totally effeminate people who cross-dress and sing along to "YMCA", okay? The same generally applies to lesbians of course: only the minority are the &butch" stereotype. There are lots of types. The Queens -- another name for a certain kind of male cross-dresser -- are the ones you can (usually) spot 10 miles away, never mind across the street. The Queens I know all seem to be naturally attracted to theatre of any kind, especially music. However, the majority of gay people are just ordinary, like me, or somewhere in between the two extremes. Most of us you wouldn't know were gay unless you knew us really, REALLY well, there's no WAY you can spot us across the street. And I can hear you steupsing at this already. However, I've known I'm gay for three years and NOBODY has ever guessed, including my parents and my siblings (I still live at home).

8. What you know about me is wrong -- dispelling myths

Oooh, this is fun. How about a just a few?

- Gay men are dominated by their mothers growing up Coincidentally, this is true for me -- me and mama hang real good. But I know gay orphans and gays from single-father families. It's not a rule. (I have no data on lesbians :-)

- Gay men are all paedophiles Oh yeah, like *that* would be fun. Please! We're not animals, we're not aliens, the concept of paedophilia is just as revolting to us as to you. There are sick people out there who will have sex with ANYTHING, I don't see why the gay community at large has to take the bad press.

- Lesbians are man-haters/gay men are women-haters Do straight men hate all other men? So why should we? In fact, some of my best friends are women. Since I don't know an awful lot of other gay people, the women whom I have "outed" myself to -- i.e. told them I'm gay -- are the ones with whom I have conversations about hot men, go to Leonardo DiCaprio movies with, etc.. Which, incidentally, does nothing but reinforce the conception that I'm straight (see below) -- I go out with girls a lot.

- You can tell who is gay and who is not As I said above, this is totally impossible. I'm gay, so I'm constantly on the lookout for men I could pick up, and *I* am a total loss at recognising who's gay and who's not. And if it takes one to know one, what chance do YOU have? Trust me, one of my biggest kicks in life is hearing other people telling me "you know, I think X is gay" when the person who's telling me still doesn't know that *I* am. My parents are especially funny at this.

- Homosexuality is caused by sexual abuse at a young age I was disturbed and saddened to see an apparently perfect example of abuse leading to homosexuality in Vox recently. This is in fact sometimes possible -- I know a lesbian who was raped when she was 12 by a man, and the experience hurt her too much to love a man ever again -- but it is again the case in the *minority* of cases. Trust me, I'd know if I'd been abused, and I wasn't. I'm just gay.

- Homosexuality is a "decision" or a "choice" This is one myth that goes well beyond logic. Why the **** would I *choose* to be gay? Not that I hate myself for being gay -- I'm past that stage, despite the best efforts of the Catholic church -- but being gay is no picnic, especially in this country. I didn't want to be gay, I denied it to myself for a full two years, and some people spend far longer than that "in the closet". But finally, deciding that telling everybody I was gay would be marginally more fun than committing suicide, I told one of my best friends, and subsequently my very best friend, and eventually my entire group of friends and even my siblings.

And there are lots more. Depending on the feedback I get on this article, maybe I'll do a follow-up to answer your questions, sent to the contact addresses below. But on to the next thing you need to know.

7. Hating me is wrong

I won't go much into this, the next point covers a lot of what I want to say. But why would you want to hate me? Why would you want to shun me, ignore me, make my life miserable? Why would you want to do that to *anyone*? This is such a blindingly obvious point, and yet every day homosexuals are scathingly berated in the papers -- admittedly by ignorant letter-writing morons, but still -- and are denied jobs and friends.

6. There's nothing wrong with me

One of the big things I get is that homosexuality wrong, but because this is a free country I can be gay if I want. This is an improvement over the kill-the-faggots attitude of #7, but still not good enough. Why should you dislike me at all? I didn't *choose* to be gay, that's an important point. So how can you hate me for something that's not my fault? This is like -- *exactly* like, don't try and avoid this issue -- hating somebody because of their skin colour. Nobody ever says "I don't approve of that black lifestyle". How is being gay a "lifestyle" any more than being black is a lifestyle? It's just a fact of life. It gets me angry when people hate me for no reason -- understandably, I feel. So you don't have to love me, but come up with a better reason to hate me. In 1973 -- far too late, but never mind -- the American Psychiatric Association declared homosexuality not to be a disease, and ceased purporting to treat it, dealing instead with the depression and other problems associated with being a repressed homosexual. A homosexual who is not repressed by society, for instance if he lives in San Francisco :-), has only normal psychological problems, or none at all. Homophobia, the fear of gay people, is, according to Dr. Michelangelo Signorile, author of _Outing Yourself_. Like alcholism or drug abuse, you absorb homophobia from those around you, and if they do it, you are at risk. And by that criterion, Trinidad and Tobago is one sick place.

5. Why I'm gay

Like *I* would know? The truth is, nobody does know what causes homosexuality. It's never been scientifically proven in any way. Research with twins has shown that if one identical twin is gay, the likelihood of the other twin being gay is higher -- but not guaranteed. Other research has indicated that gay men and straight women have an area of the brain that is larger than the corresponding area in straight men and lesbians. The "men look good" gland, if you will, is smaller in them. This is still not conclusive evidence, but it lends weight to the theory that biological elements genetically established, or established in the womb, are what cause people to be gay. At any rate, once somebody is gay it *has* been conclusively proven that it is impossible to switch them back, so I think the point is moot, really.

4. I'm not alone

Take this two ways. Firstly, not everybody hates gays. It's not a natural state. I have a large group of supportive friends (and ex-boyfriends :-/) without whom I long ago would have given up on my life. (Hi guys! Thanks for existing.) Secondly, I'm not the only gay in the country (duh). Being gay is something I share in common with -- estimates vary -- between 4 and 8% of any population, anywhere. So if you know 25 people, *at least* one of them is gay. Interesting, eh? Maybe you should ask around, see if anyone has anything to tell you. It's interesting to note the fact that this percentage is true across national, cultural and racial backgrounds. Everywhere from Russia to China to England to America and back to Trinidad has the SAME percentage, which also tends to support the biological basis for homosexuality (see #5).

3. You hurt me

Now that you've got a warm fuzzy feeling inside having read this article (well, hopefully you do. I always get a warm feeling after learning something. Alternatively, you could be about to mail-bomb this paper, seek me out and tear me limb from limb. I dunno) let me know that things are not all good, not at all good, in gay life. Teenagers already have a high suicide rate, but even so one in *four* suicides is a gay or lesbian teenager. Don't think you're innocent. Every little "fag" joke, every little anti-gay comment you've ever made without thinking, is a nail through the heart of one of your best friends, one whom is dying to tell you something, but won't because they think you'll kill them, and so do you. Change your attitude NOW, or wake up one morning with a big empty feeling inside for the rest of your life, knowing one of your best friends is gone. Stop hurting us. What easier way is there to cut the national suicide rate by almost 25%?

2. You're not alone

The issues I've addressed here are just the *start* of the misconceptions, there are far too many totally whacked-out things people think about gay people to list. But here's the first step: if you've got questions, or (god forbid, right) *you're* gay, then contact me: trinicontact@email.com. Anything gay-related is fine :-) Incidentally, if you're worried about privacy, you can get a cool free web-based e-mail address from www.email.com, or the old standard, www.hotmail.com. Both provide a completely private way to send and receive e-mail without people accidentally receiving your messages.

Oh, and don't bother to flame me, 'cause it's web based so all you're doing is hurting THEM, not me. I can just ignore you, just like I ignore you every other time you try to hurt me.

1. My name

This is the number one thing I'd LOVE to tell you. But I can't. Not until you come up to me and tell me "If you were gay, you could tell me and I wouldn't mind." But you don't know who I am. So you'd better start telling people this, just in case. Okay? Cool. Bye for now!