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NM - My Lowest Point This is a little story about the past few days .......hopefully it should bring some solace and it will just help me to get some issues off my mind... Who would have ever thought after I gave up on what I had, I would find something that would be even better? (At least, that is what I thought, and boy was I wrong) He had it all, personality, looks, a great body, sweet caring. He made me feel wanted. I've wanted him for a long time, too long it seems... Sometimes time can be a dangerous instrument. Time builds one up. It makes feelings you have built up for people seem so strong that you are willing to do anything just for some of that love to be returned. I learnt that the hard way. I did something I know that was totally wrong and totally senseless, yet at that point in time I wanted it with my whole body soul and mind. Now I know that it can only make you hurt more. Sometimes I have to ask myself how can life be so happy at one point in time and then plummet to the deepest depths of despair. Sometimes I have to think if its me because I have a tendency to fall for the wrong type of person and then I try to compromise my standards and I always end up getting hurt in the end. I made up my mind never to let that happen again, but Me, being the jackass that I am, could not change. I hate the fact that I trust people too much. I hate the fact that I can love anyone. I hate the fact that I can never hold a grudge. I hate the fact that I can forgive. I hate the fact that I hurt inwardly and no one can tell. I hate the inalienable truth that being gay is like living a whole other existence. I hate my parents for the homophobes that they are. I hate all the guys that ever hurt me. I hate the fact that I can't find someone who would love me for me, who would not want me to change, who would just be happy with sitting and enjoying each other's company without anything physical entering into it. I basically hate my life. I have asked myself these questions about 5 times everyday. Is what I am putting myself though really worth it.?What have I have done to deserve some of the treatment that I have gotten overt the [past few months? I don't think I'm such a horrible person. I needed to be able to distance myself from reality. I did to a point. I had that happy place in my mind that I would retreat to whenever everything was bad. However everytime I retreated into it, it grew smaller until there was nothing left. Now when I really need it there is nothing that I could go to. I need that place and I have to find it back otherwise I will end up doing something really drastic. Right now, I need to retreat into that place otherwise I swear I am going to go mad. I expected something. It didn't happen, and now I feel like what everyone has been calling me. I don't give a flying fuck but I really wanted this. And to top it all of, what do people expect when I pass and they yell "faggot" or "homo?" Am I supposed to walk up to them and hit on hem or something. Or is it that they just want something hard and wet rammed up there asses? It bugs me the type of attitude that pervades our society . And we call ourselves civilized?The maturity level of some people really astounds me. And the thing is, it's really hilarious that they try to feign acceptance. Anyway a good thing happened. I told two of my friends that I was gay and they took it well. That was a blessing. Its horrible being gay and your parents not knowing and not accepting. I hurt inside everytime my father makes a derogatory comment. And he does it alot. I just need to pray. Find solace in god cause I haven't found it anywhere else. |
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