GayTrinidad --> Coming Out

You may find that hiding the fact that you're gay, lesbian or bisexual from loved ones a difficult task, and may sooner or later decide to tell one or more people of your orientation.

Who should I tell?

"I only tell other people that I'm gay if I've known them for a long time and if they are accepting and tolerant. I think it's important that they know about this special part of me"--Bill, age 18.

"Since I'm normal, I don't have to hide how I feel. But you should make sure that you are comfortable with your preference before you blurt it out to just anyone"--Nathan, age 19.

"I tell people that I'm gay if I know that they won't reject me, will accept me for what I am, and won't try to 'straighten' me out. I test them, I suppose, then I judge if I want to risk telling them"--James, age 17.

More and more gay kids are learning to feel better about themselves. As you start to listen to your deepest feelings and learn more about what it means to be gay you will begin to be comfortable with your sexuality. This is the process called coming out. The first step in coming out is to tell yourself that you are gay and say, "That's OK." Later you may want to tell someone else--someone you trust to be understanding and sympathetic. You might choose a friend or an adult. You will probably want to meet other gay kids for friendship or a more intimate relationship. Some gay kids are able to come out to their families. You need to decide whether or not to tell your family, and to choose the right time. Lots of people, including parents, simply don't understand gay people and are difficult to come out to. In the beginning, be cautious about whom you tell. But it is crucial to be honest with yourself. Just as self-denial costs you, coming out pays off. Most kids who accept their sexuality say they feel calmer, happier and more confident.

"Stand up for what you believe in, and don't listen to what hatemongers have to say. Stay proud and confident"--James, age 17.

Questions to ask yourself when considering coming out:

Be Clear in Your Own Mind.

Are you sure about your sexual orientation?
Don't raise the issue unless you're able to respond with confidence to the question "Are you sure?" Confusion on your part will increase your parents' confusion and decrease their confidence in your judgment.

Are you comfortable with your gay sexuality?
If you're wrestling with guilt and periods of depression, you'll be better off waiting to tell your parents. Coming out to them may require tremendous energy on your part, it will require a reserve of positive self-image.

Do you have support?
In the event your parents' reaction devastates you, there should be someone or a group that you can confidently turn to for emotional support and strength. Maintaining your sense of self-worth is critical.

Are you knowledgeable about homosexuality?
Your parents will probably respond based on a lifetime of information from a homophobic society. If you've done some serious reading on the subject, you'll be able to assist them by sharing reliable information and research.

What's the emotional climate at home?
If you have the choice of when to tell, consider the timing. Choose a time when they're not dealing with such matters as the death of a close friend, pending surgery or the loss of a job.

Can you be patient?
Your parents will require time to deal with this information if they haven't considered it prior to your sharing. The process may last from six months to two years.

What's your motive for coming out now?
Hopefully, it is because you love them and are uncomfortable with the distance you feel. Never come out in anger or during an argument, using your sexuality as a weapon.

Do you have available resources? Homosexuality is a subject most non-gay people know little about. Have available at least one of the following:

a book (or other trustworthy media) addressed to parents
a contact for the local or national gay organisation
the name of a non-gay counselor who can deal fairly with the issue

Are you financially dependent on your parents?
If you suspect they are capable of withdrawing college finances or forcing you out of the house, you may choose to wait until they do not have this weapon to hold over you.

What is your general relationship with your parents?
If you've gotten along well and have always known their love -- and shared your love for them in return -- chances are they'll be able to deal with the issue in a positive way.

What is their moral societal view?
If they tend to see social issues in clear terms of good/bad or holy/ sinful, you may anticipate that they will have serious problems dealing with your sexuality. If, however, they've evidenced a degree of flexibility when dealing with other changing societal matters, you may be able to anticipate a willingness to work this through with you.

Is this your decision?
Not everyone should come out to their parents. Don't be pressured into it if you're not sure you'll be better off by doing so -- no matter what their response.

Coming out is a step in your life that may have considerable repercussions. Please research the topic thoroughly via the links or search engines, this page only deals with a few issues.