You are reading a Transcript from Family Guy Asylum Visit us at http://Fga.iwarp.com Transcript for Epsiode 201 : "Peter Peter Caviar Eater" ------------------- Transcript typed out by Stephen Date : September,29,1999 *Please do not use this transcript on your website without permission and credit to me. You may correct any errors if you wish to improve it and state the improvements but still give credit to me for this transcript ------------------- "Family Guy" is TM and © by 20th Century FOX and all its affiliates. Any reproduction, distribution, or sale of this material is strictly prohibited. This transcript and it's author do not work for 20th Century Fox or affiliates with 20th Century FOX. "Family Guy" was created by Seth Macfarlane. ------------------- Voice Cast: Seth MacFarlane : Peter Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin, Announcer, Benny Hill, Carlson, Chevy Chase, Clive, Filmore, Mr. Pewterschmidt, Professor Plum and Ted Turner Alex Borstein :Lois Griffin, Aunt Margarite and Jamie Seth Green : Chris Griffin. ------------------- *Theme Song Lois : "It seems today, that all you see, is violence in movies, and sex on T.V.," Peter : "But where are those good o' fashion values," Family : "On which we use to rely" Family : "Wealthy there's a family guy" Family : "Wealthy there's a man who, positivly can do, all those things to make us" Stewie : "Laugh and Cry! " Family : "He's, A, Family, Guuuuuuuuuuuy!" *End of Theme Song <---- Act 1----> <----Scence 1 : Kitchen----> Stewie: "I say mother, this hotdog has been on this plate for a full minute and it hasn't cut itself." Lois: "Honey, I'll be right there." Stewie: "By all means take your time! Oh when you finally do get around to it, i'll be the one covered in flies with a belly that protudes half way to bloody Boston." [Meg enters] Meg : "Mom, there is no way I'm sleeping in Chris's room this weekend, it smells like old milk in there." [Chris enter] Chris : "Hey! if I could find it i'll clean it up!" Lois : "Kids keep it down, I haven't even told your father that...~low whispher tone~ Aunt Margarite is coming to visit." [Peter runs in from hearing the name] Peter : "Who said Margerita?" Lois : "Peter, it's just for a week" Peter : "A week? awwww, geez, no no no no, please god kill me now, no no damn damn , crap, damn it to hell ,son of a..." Lois : "Peter!" Peter : "Lois, some time it is appropriate to swear." <-*Flash Back : Court room*-> Bailift : "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole the truth and nothing but the truth so help you God." Peter : "I do................You bastard!" <-*End of Flash back*-> Lois : " I love Aunt Margarite ....because if it wasn't for her I wouldn't have met you Peter" <-*Flash Back : Aunt Margarite's pool area*-> Lois : "Aunt Margret, have you seen my towel?" Aunt Margret : "Have the towel boy get you another one." Lois : "I don't want to bother him." Aunt Margret : "nonsense dear....your a Pewterschmidt..towel boy!" [Peter lays eyes on beatiful Lois] Peter : "Uhhh Hi, my name my name is towel I have a peter for you." [Lois giggles a little] Peter : "My name is peter I'll be your nipples..towel boy!..ahh geez" <-*End of flash back*-> <----Scene 2 : Front Door ----> *Ding Dong!* Lois : "Okay everyone! give Aunt Margret big Griffin family welcome!" [Lois Opens the Door] Lois : "Aunt Margarite!" Aunt Margarite : "Lois!" [Aunt Margarite drops dead] Lois : "Oh my God........She..She's dead!" Peter: "Wow! carefully what you wish for ..huh...Lois..heh..." <----Scence 3 : Funeral----> [Funeral Music] Chris : "What if they bury her and she likes wakes because she wasn't really dead she was only sleeping?" Meg : "Ya...that's what happen to our big brother Jimmy...that's why mom and dad adopted you. " Chris : "What?" Lois : "Peter, you remember Coco,my friend from New port." Coco: "Peter!, I almost didn't reconigize you without a towel on your arm..hehe." Coco: "Lois, where are your parents? don't tell me they still on Safari." Lois: "You know my daddy, he won't rest until he kills something on every contient. hehe but I'm hoping they'll be back in time for christmas." Peter: "heh..yah..it wouldn't be christmas without your parents." <-*Flash Back : Christmas with Lois's parents-*> [Christmas Music] [Lois's Father takes out his pocket watch and drops it near the fireplace on purpose] Lois's Father : "Oh I dropped my watch!, Peter would you be a good sport and fetch it for me?" Peter : "Sure thing Mr.Pewterschmidt" [Peter Bend down to pick up the watch] [Lois's Father kicks him intot he fireplace] [Peter runs around on fire] Peter : "Ahhhh AHHhhhhhhhh AHHhhhhhhh" Lois's Father : "Oh we gotta put that out!" [Lois's Father gets a log and beats him with it to try and put out the fire on him] [Lois's Mother chuckles] <-*Flash Back Ends-*> [Peter and Brian standing in front of the coffin] Peter : "I'm telling you Brian..nothing changes. These blueberts still treat me like scum just because I'm not loaded. Well I got news for them, I am as elegant as anyone in this room" [Lois walks by] Lois : "Peter, we have to meet with Aunt Margarite's laywers tomorrow, she left something for us in her will." Peter : "Holy crap! oh you sweet old brod!" [Peter picks up Aunt Margarite's body from the coffin and dances around with it] Peter : "Oh my god, she's dead" [Peter drops the body] <---Scene 5 : Aruthur Plimpton Attenrey at Law Office---> Lawyer : "Madam Pewterschmidt passing has saden us all" Peter : "Yea that's a real tragedy, what do we get? what do we get? come on big money! big money! big money! no emmy! no emmy! STOP!" Lois : "Peter please, I'm sorry, he's striken with greif". Lawyer : "Before she passed, your Aunt recored a message for you." [Laywer turns on Tv] <-*Tv*-> Announcer : "New Port, Rhode Island, home of New England's most elegance, historus estates : The Breaker, Rose Cliff and the exquizit Cherry Wood Manor. The playlaysocial mansion of Margarite Pewterschmidt. Margarite is a shining example of how people with alot of money are way better than everyone else." Aunt Margarite : "Lois, you were always my favorite niece. I just knew you'll find a wonderful man who will make all your dreams come true.....But I was wrong." Peter : "And now your dead, score one for Peter!" Lois : "Shhhhh!" Aunt Margarite : "It's time for you to start living like a Pewterschmidt. That's why I'm giving you my summer home in New Port." <-*Tv End*-> Lois : "Cherry Wood?...that's so generous of Aunt Margarite." Peter : "Wow, our own summer house. I feel kinda ad for going that thing with her toothbrush." <----Scene 6 : Summer Home----> [Family drives up to the Masion.] [Servants start to sing] ~Musical Scene~ Servants : "We only live to kiss your ass!" Servant #1 : "Kiss it!, I'll even wipe it for you!" Servants : "From here to end your is easy street!" Peter : "Any bars on that street?" Servant #1 : "24 happy hours a day!" Peter : "oh boy!" Servants : "We'll Stop johva's at the gate!" GateGuard : "Can I see that pamphlet sir?" [Gate Guards hits Johva with pamphlet] Peter : "My God this house is Frickening Sweeeeet!" Chef#1 : "I make brunch!, Cly cooks Lunch!" Chefs : "Each and everyday!" Chef#3 : "Chocholate cake! made by blake!" Peter : "100bucks, blake is gay." Servants : "we'll do the best we can with Meg!" Meg : "Are you saying I'm ugly?" Female Servant : "Doesn't matter dear! your rich now!" Servants : "We'll do your nails and rub your feet!" Lois : "Oh that's not nescessa-ooooo" Servants : "We'll do your homework everynight!" Chris : "It's really hard." Servant#1 : "That's why we got that Steven Hawkins guy." Peter : "My God this house is frickening Sweeeeet!" [Peter and Lois dances up on stairs] Peter : "I use to pass alot of gas, Lois ran away. Now we got 30rooms! Hello BEANS! goodbye SPRAY!" Servants : "We take a bullet just for you!" [Stewie takes his teddy bear head of the body revealing a hidden gun] Stewie : "oh what conwindence, I got one!" Lois : "Stewie!" Servants : "Prepare to suck at golf and tea, now that your stinking rich, we gladly to be your (_______?)!" Peter : "My god this house is frickening Sweeeeeeeeeet!" Servants : Welcome! Female Servant : "That's a warp people, now lets get the hell out of here!" Peter : "Wait a second, where are you going?" Female Servant : "The old bag only payed us up to the song." Lois : "We can pick up after ourselves, after all, we'll only be here on the weekends." Peter : "No Lois, it's time you started living like the Pewteshmit you are." Lois : "That's Pewterschmidt." Peter : "Wait wait, you guys , you guys, your all hired to be full time Griffin servants." Lois : "Peter, where are we going to get the money to pay all these people?" Peter : "Simple, I sold our house in Quahog." Lois : "You sold our home?" Peter : "Suprise!" Lois : "How could you?" Peter : "Oops?" Peter sings : "I reconizge that tone!, tonight I sleep alone, byt still this house is fricking Sweeeeet!" <----End of Act 1----> <----Act 2----> <----Scene 1 : Inside the Masion ----> Lois : "Peter, how could you sell our house in quahog with out asking me?" Peter : "aww, honey this is where you belong, you deserve a big house and nice stuff,you know like diamonds" <-*Diamond Tv Commerical-*> Lois : "But I love our old house, you have to buy it back" Peter : "It's too late for that , our stuff is packed and on it's way here. Come on lois you're gonna love living in New port, sure this house is big but it's intimate. ~Ehco"intimate....intimate"~ " Meg : "so we are really gonna live here now? " Peter : "That' right honey" Lois : "I don't know Peter. " Meg : "please mom? look there's a pool!" Chris : "And there's a chair" <---Scene 2 : Hallyway----> [Stewie wonders into a hall way. Two Twins appear] Twins : "Come play with us Stewie, forever and ever and ever" Stewie : "Yes, all work and no play makes Stewie a dull boy" [Stewie blows them with a rocket lauch] <----Scene 3: Lounge----> Servant #1 : "And the costal hole from the libary we have the billard room, and here we have the lounge" Brian : "*gasp!* sweet mary mother of god , Jackpot!" [Bartender Pops up] Bartender : "What can I get you sir? we ten varitey of single molt scotch and a wine cellar with over 10,000 bottles" Brian : "Don't make me beg" Lois : "Well I did love spending time here as a kid" Chris : "Alright Mom!" <----Scene 3 : Yacht Club of New Port----> Coco : "Johnathan and I just return sailing our yacht around the world" Peter : "Oh funny sailing story, alright this guy on his boat middle of ocean and see a little black dog, and let me tell you this dog has been swimming for days and he stinks like a dead otter right" Lois : "Peter, maybe this isn't the place for that " Peter : "hang on Lois hang on Lois, so the guy takes him into the vet, and the frickening vet tells him, get this, it's not a dog, it's a rat, a big stinking mexcian rat. True story" [People get sick] Meg : "Dad, that's just a urban legend" Peter : "I'm telling you it's a huge frickening rat, 5 times as big as that guy's steak." Lois : "oh Peter, that rat gets bigger every time you tell that story" Peter : "Oh I got a million of them, like my buddy's sister's boss, he was drinking with a hooker in a vegas bar. bam! woke up without his kidney...." [People vomit] <---- Scene 4 Cherrywood Pool----> Peter : "*Sigh* I can't believe they kicked me out of the yacht club, I barley had time to stuff Lois's salmon in my jacket." Brian : "Face it Peter, you have a nac for saying the wrong thing." Peter : "This sucks, Lois's friend yacht boy and his lovely wife Caca invited us to a hoy toied auction tomorrow afternoon, I don't want to embrass her again, you gotta help me brian, teach me to be a gentlemen " Brian : "Well, Peter, it's not really that hard, let's start with polite conversation, for example, it's a pleasure to see you again, lovely weather we're happening, now you try." Peter : "It's a pleasure to see you again, after Hogan's Heros Bob frame got his skull crushed in by a friend who video taped him having rough sex...how's that?" Brian : "Wow, perfect, my work is done, but just for the heck of it, let's try it again." <----Scene 5 Breakfast Patto ----> Servant#1 : "More coffee madam?" Lois : "I can get that Sabation, to tell you the truth, we're all a little uncomfrontable being waited on." Stewie : "Cut my egg!" Servant#2 : "Your eggs are cut Sir." Stewie : "Cut my Milk!" Servant#2 : "I can't sir, it's liquid." Stewie : "Imbecile!Freeze it then cut it, if you question me again, I'll put you on diaper detail and I'll promise you I won't make it easy for you." Lois : "Oh Meg, your gonna lose New Port High, it has a beautiful campus." Meg : "Yea, filled with beautiful people, and I'm gonna bag me a rich one." Lois : "Meg that's a terrible thing to say, You should marry some you love, that's what I did." Meg : "Yea, and it got us kicked out of the yacht club." Lois : "Oh, you can't be mad at your father for being him slef, that's the reason I felt in love with him in the first place. oh he was so different from everyone else." <-*Flash Back to a Dance Party*-> [Coco and Johnathan dancing] Johnathan : "Coco, the day I graduate from Habour, I gonna carry you off in the sunset on a white horse." Coco : "It better be a stretch horse with leather seats with a chauffer! " Johnathan : "Isn't she better terrific? " [Coco and Johnathan chuckle] [Lois goes into the resort staff only room] [Peter stops and drops his current dancing partner] [Peter and Lois Dance] <-*End of Flash Back-*> Lois : "Kids, if you marry for love, your life will be filled with it's own riches. Money doesn't buy happiness" [Lois, chris and meg walk away] Stewie : "Well I beg to differ." [Stewie rings three bells, three servants attend] Stewie : "You bring me the wall street jounral. You two fight to the death." [Servants fight] <----Scene 6 : Brian has hooked peter up to a electrical Chair ----> Brian : "okay Peter, I was hoping I wouldn't have to resort to shock therapy, but your progress...well who we kidding , you haven't made any progress. Now the left Tv is tuned into Fraiser, the right has Ricky Lake, if you so much glance at the right tv, I'm giving you 10,000 volts. " Peter : "Got it" Right Tv : "Well fraiser your so coruplent, when you sit around the maginificent coasrenteller, you sit around the coasrenteller" Peter : "Hey, this is the smartest show on tv" Left Tv : "Yo, Ricky, she ma girlfriend, she ain't suppose to be having no pink." [Brian shocks Peter] Servant #1 : "Master Brian, do you really believe you can pass him off as a gentlemen at the auction" Brain : "Well, we got a long road ahead, but I've worked miracles before" <----Quick Scene : Academy Awards----> Oscar Announcer : And the oscar goes to Marisa Tomei. [Marisa Tomei Kisses Brian] [Brian shakes hands with Jack Jack Nicholson] <----End of Quick Scene----> <----Scene 7: Newport Historxal Society----> Lois : "Peter was suppose to meet us an hour ago, I hope he didn't change his mind" Brian : "Maybe he's here, maybe he's fitting in so well, we just can't tell him from other bluebloods " Lois: "Well, we won't have to worry about that" [Triumphets Sounds] Announcer : "Lord Peter Gilligan Griffin ,The First" Peter : "Play me down the stairs boys" [Peter Walks down the stairs] Peter : "Good day" Peter : "on chantan" Peter : "Past a bayso" Peter : "Look good fellows" Lois : "Brian, do you know anything about this?" Brian : "Lois, please! I'm just a dog....a stupid dog" [Brian askes for a drink] Brian : "Volka stinger with a whiskey back and step on it" Coco : "Peter, you look inchanting, you must join us for a game of bracroracka" Peter : "right brack o'ka ca" [Lois walks up to Brian at the Bar. Brian is drunk] Lois : "Brian, what happen to peter, he's not cramming food or asking people to pull his finger, that's not the man I married" Brian : "So, i guess techically that makes you advailable.." Lois : "What?" Brian : "Lighten up toots," [Brian slap's lois's rear] Brian : "it's a party Hah hah hah! hey barkeep, it's like the damn sahar over here, hey honey. " <----Scenc 8 : Auction room----> Auctioneer : "Welcome to the Historxal Society Auction, our first item is a 17thcentury yield Basze, we'll start the at bidding at $140,000 dollars" Peter : "what a marvelling vessel, it would look smashing in lois's crappet, I mean crappia" Coco : "You are so right, any women would love to have it on her crappia, Johnathan!" Johnathan : " oh, $140,000!" Peter : "$150,000!" Lois : "Brian, that sounded like peter" Brian : "Hey come here you...hahaha" [Brian falls off his chair drunk] Johnathan : "$160,000!" Peter : "$170,000!" Johnathan : "$180,000!" Peter : "$190,000!" [Johnathan stands] Johnathan : "$200,000!" Auctioneer : "This is a new record for the historxal Society, the braze goes to...." [Peter pauses...Peter Stands up and does the pinky thing like Dr.Evil] Peter : "$100 million dollars!!" Auctioneer : "To Mr. Peter Griffin for $100 million dollars!" [Brian is in the coner drunk] Brian : "Money money!.....~High tone~ Money!" <----Act 3----> <----Scene 1 : Settling the deal----> Auctioneer : "Mr. Griffin, Your the mostest generous man since Ted Turner" <----Quick Scene : Ted turner----> Ted Turner : "I would like to announce on giving a gift the whole world can like, I colorized the Moon" <----End of Quick Scene----> Lois : "Peter, you don't have a 100million dollars." Peter : "Of course I do my dear." Auctioneer : "Now, would that be cash or cheque?" Peter : "Drop by Cherrywood this evening... and i'll have the money wired to you from my swiss bank account." Auctioneer : "Ahhh...very good sir!" Lois : "Peter you don't have a swiss back account." Peter : "Right...my lawyers advised me too keep some of my assests secret incase it doesn't work out..." Lois : "I'm going home...where's Brian?" <----Quick Scene : Parking Lot ----> [Brian and a Parking Attendant are drinking and smoking] Brian : "Listen, I told a Blond inside that I have a SL7, can you help me out?" <----Scene 2 : Cherrywood----> [Lois talks on the phone] Lois : "I'm sorry, I've made my decision, We're moving back to Quahog, just as soon as we can packed." Meg : "Quahog? that one horse town" <----Quick Scene----> [Horse standing on an empty street] Horse : "Hey shut up!, no you shut up! hey shut up! you shut up! your the one talking! well there's no one else here why don't every one shut up! what's that?....it's the wind" <----End of Quick Scene----> Meg : "I spit on Quahog!" [Meg spits and Servant catches it and slams the phone down] [Brian has a hang ouver] Brian : "Easy!" Chris : "If I ever go back to quahog is to poke poor people with a stick" [Peter comes in] Peter : "hmmm pond jo be" Lois : "now I remember why I left New port....it changes people, you kids lost your values,you lost your mind and I don't care much for Stewie's new friends" <----Scene 3 : Stewie and his New Friends----> [Stewie's friends sitting in lounge chairs with their pipes] Professor Plum : "Yes, Yes...the Pacific Rim Ecomony is still tad too shakey for me" Stewie : "oh oh stop it, stop it, Look here you can be a bloody fisco hermit crap every time the n-k goes self correction, Asia's Ecomony has nowhere to go but up." Professor Plum : "Interesting" [Professor Plum puffs his pipe] Stewie : "Indeed" [Stewie blows bubbles out of his pipe] <----Scene 2 : cherrywoord----> Lois : "Ahhh....I wish we never came here in the first place." Peter : "Choff...here go buy yourself more money." <----Scene 4 : Reading Room----> [Peter is sitting in a chair] [Brian comes in with Peter's Starwars Glass] Peter : "Hey o' bean...hey, what are you doing with my Star Wars Glass?" Brian : "Illsurating a point, Peter, when Han solo took Millennium Falcon into cloud city, he found that Londo had turned control of the city over to Darth Vader, londo forgot who he was , it' was only after then that han was frozen and taken by Bounter hunter to Jabba's Palace, he was able to see his error of his ways. Peter, look inside of you, your not a Newport Millionaire, I created you, in a way, I am your father." Peter : "That's not true, that impossible!" Brian : "DAmn it peter snap out of it!" Peter : "NOOOOOOO!!!" [Brian smashes the Glass] [Peter snaps out of it] Peter : "I just had the craziest dream where I brought a 100million dollar Vase." Servant #1 : "A Mr. Brandiwine from the Historxal Society is at the front gate...he'll be here in a half of a hour." Brian : "it wasn't dream Peter, he's here for the money." Peter : "awww brian I'm screwed, if i wreltch on that debt, I'm just gonna prove to everyone I'm not good enough for lois. Only if I had something worth that much money, I wish I never dropped Mean Joe Green's jersy." <----Flash Back Scene : Green Bay Foot ball game.----> Peter : "Good game Mean Joe...want some of my coke?" [Mean Joe Green drinks the coke] Mean Joe Green : "Hey Kid, catch" [Mean Joe Green throws his jersy at Peter...then his pants..then his sock and his jockey.] [Peter runs away] <----End of Flash Back----> Peter : "Hey, what about this house? I can just give them the house and call it even." Brian : "Cherrywood isn't worth 100million dollars." Peter : "Brian, It's the Historxal Society, we gotta convince them that 100million dollars of history happen here." <----Scene 5 : Living room----> [Peter craves on the wall "Jesus was here 2/15/57 B.C"] Auctioneer : "So your saying Jesus crave his name into this mantle 51years before he was born?" Peter : "He's jesus, he can do anything, and look here!" [Peter points at a broken wall with a hole in it] Peter : "That's where the stock market crashed!" Auctioneer : "Physically?" Peter : "Oh I'm telling you, you can't take a step in this house without un-covering something historcial" [Peter taps on the ground .....*Choo cho Choo*] Peter : "Wait a second... could that be Harry tubmen secret underground railroad? oh it is!" Auctioneer : "I've seen enough...I happen to know nothing historical and significant occurred here. Please have our money ready byt tomorrow,Good day" Peter : "Wait Look this is where the pilgrams landed, on frymouth rock" <----Scene 6 : Living Room : night time----> [Lois walks in] Lois : "Excuse me Lord Griffin, your family have gotten back to Quahog, if you get tired of being a snob...look us up" Peter : "Lord Griffin is dead, it's just me Peter, the towel boy." Lois : "Oh Peter! your back....awww..lets go home" Peter : "I can't, I sold our home, our beautiful home with the stolen cable and the little man with penis as the light switch." Lois : "So we'll find another place." Peter : "Your Aunt Margarite is probably laughing at me while she's burning in hell, may she rest in peace. She was right...everyone was right...I'm not good enough for you." Lois : "Peter,I don't care what anyone else thinks, all that matters is that I love you" Peter : "I love you too Lois." [Peter and Lois hug, Peter accidently bumps into a switch and opened a secret cupboard] [Peter finds a box with old photos in it] Peter : "Lois, our porblems are over!" <----Scene 7 : Historxal Society----> Peter : "My Manison is historcial alright..Cherrywood was the first presidental whore house....there's lincoln, Grid,Robert E. Lee" Auctioneer : "Those are fake..." Peter : "Oh...there real....FYI...lincoln had the jungle fever" <----Scene 8 : Griffin House in Quahog----> [The Family is sitting on the couch watching the Cosby show] Chris : "Hey dad ...you never did tell us how you got our house back." Peter : "Simple....I just offer the people who we sold our house double what they payed for." Lois : "What? how could you afford that?" Peter : "I kept one of those Lincoln pictures and held a auction of my own. Thanks to honest old abe, we got our house back and I learned a valuable lesson....it doesn't matter if your family thinks I'm good enough for ya." [Peter holds up a National Inquirer with the front page : ""Lincoln liked the Whores!"] Lois : "That's right, because what's important is I love you" Peter : "No...because your ancestors were nothing but bunch pimps and whore...hehehe" [Peter gives a thumbs up]