flames 101

Ok, so someone has written something Very Bad about you in an email, a Usenet post, or on their web page. What do you do?

Actually, you have several options, and your response to the attack will generally determine how much farther it goes. The very first thing to remember is that old schoolyard rhyme: "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." Put that on a sticky note on your monitor if you have to.

Dealing with Flamers

So someone called you a sperm-burping gutter slut with the IQ of a professional wrestler and the charisma of a bowl of six-year-old chicken stir-fry. Raise your chin up! Surely you could come up with a better insult than that.

But before you attempt to dazzle your attacker with your own brand of venom, here are a few other ways to deal with it.

• Silence. If this is your first and only response, 99% of the time the attack will end. There may be a spattering of sniping in your direction later, but if the flamer sees that you will not participate, they will stop. Not responding to their attacks will deprive them of the attention that they crave. However in the wake of a really brutal attack, some people just can't sit on their hands. So your next option is to:
  
  
• Vent in silence. Write your response. Include all the nasty, horrible, terrible things you want to tell them. Insult their ancestry. Explain how embarrassed you are to be a member of the same species as them. Make fun of their nose. And then... Re-read what you've written, and delete it. You've proven to yourself that you can sling a better insult than they can... There's no need to prove it to them.
  
  
• Toy with them. This is best done only if you have extremely good self-control. Be sugary sweet to them, thanking them for the attention they've given you. Ask how their family is doing. Offer them your recipe for banana nut bread. If a flamer is only after flames, this "counter-attack" will confuse the hell outta them.
  
  
• Flame back. Of course, if you resort to this method they know they've gotten under your skin. They have accomplished their goal, and will set out to top themselves. You will not win. Rule number one in flaming is "No one ever wins a flamewar." If you have already committed yourself to a flamewar and want Out, your best bet is silence. It may take weeks. It may take months. I have seen flamewars rekindle after over a year in remission. Refuse to participate, because it takes two to have a flamewar.
  
  
• Retreat. You've seen it, you've heard about it. People who've been attacked so much that they can't take it anymore, and drop out of sight all together. It's sad, really... Because a flamer will promptly raise their flag and claim a victory. Before you take this road, think long and hard about it. If you've admitted defeat because of an attack, you will be marked. Reappear, and the flames will resume with an even greater fury.

Avoiding Flamers

Flamers will be unmerciful. They will be brutal. But if they can't pick a fight easily they will look elsewhere. Don't make it easy for them!

If the flames you are getting are coming through in email or a Usenet feed, invest some time into investigating kill-filters. Many email programs support kill-filters (or kill-files) or have plug-ins that do. A kill-filter will scan your email or newsgroups for whatever you don't want to see, generally an email address or a subject. When it displays your email or newsgroups, the offending posts are gone! Poof! You don't even know they exist.

Web flames are a completely different animal. If you've found an offending page, you could ask the author to remove the reference to you. Be forewarned: if they posted it in anger, chances are they won't remove it. Unless the page is libelous (and most aren't - they're just offensive), there's little you can do.

Your second option is to not visit the page. Yes, yes... You know the page is still here. But if you get upset every time you see it, don't look at it! Very simple. Don't link to it. Don't spout off about it in email to public lists. Don't complain about it on message boards. Just ignore its presence.

Of course, you might get email from well-intentioned people, "warning" you about a terrible page they just found! It's awful! It's all about you! Hey - don't look at it! If you've already viewed the page once, why subject yourself to it again? If you feel it is necessary, explain to the kind soul that you are aware of the page and thank them for their vigilance.

The Bitter Truth

It's true. The Internet is full of Big Meanies. They're everywhere, and sometimes they are all you see.

But there are friendly people out there. If you have been concentrating on the bad, you won't see the good. Open your eyes a little, and look past the wars. Seek out the sympathetic voices.

If you've been the victim of a flame, seek the comfort of friends. Not to blast the flamer, since that will (again) give them attention. Instead talk about things you want to talk about. Trust me, you'll feel better.

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