she's
actual
size

Just the barest sliver of a moon was out tonight, peeking through the clouds as the sun was setting.

Today, I finally finally finally finally did something I've been talking about doing for a long time: I made an appointment with Planned Parenthood to get a pelvic exam.

I won't pretend that I'm not apprehensive, because I am. I've never had one, so lord knows what they're going to find down there. The appointment is for August 16th, at noon. (Yes, high noon.) Barring early onset of the red menace, I'll be there.

But man, am I scared. Especially after what happened to Min. Just think of all the horrible things that could be wrong with me! But I guess that's why you have these exams; to catch wrong things before they become Wrong Things.

There's a lot to do. A pelvic exam, in which they... Um... Look at my pelvis, I suppose. (I think it involves a speculum.) There's a Pap spear, to make sure I don't have the onset of cervical cancer like Min did. And I want to talk to them about birth control pills.

The Pill is a major reason for this visit. I might not even be able to take the Pill, because of the heart surgery that I had when I was a kid. But hopefully they'll be able to find a Pill dosage that will work for me. There are a lot of reasons for taking the Pill, not the least of which is birth control. I might have less dramatic periods. I might also have a decreased risk of breast cancer, as well as some other benefits that doctors are still discussing. These are all major plusses for me.

There's also the weight gain issue. I'm not a lightweight. Most people are surprised when they find out how much I actually weigh. I've had people guess me to be a size 14 or 16, maybe weighing about 150 pounds or so. Actually, I'm a size 20 at around 195 pounds. Lots of people are surprised by that. (One great aunt made me stand on a scale because she didn't believe me when I told her how much I weighed.) I guess I wear it well. But I really don't want to gain any more weight.

And the increased risk of blood clots is a major concern to me. My cardiac health hasn't been the greatest, and things have been exacerbated by my smoking habit. (Thankfully, I smoke nothing like the amount I used to; my stance on not smoking at home has held up perfectly.) My concern is that they'll refuse to give me birth control pills because of my heart condition.

Well, we'll see.

A completely unrelated health issue that's bothering me is my jaw. It started hurting yesterday. It's in the jaw muscle, not in my teeth or mandible, so I'm 99% sure it's not a rotten tooth. It's just the right side of my jaw hinge, whatever the medical term for that is. I think I might have hurt myself yawning yesterday (how embarrassing), since I tend to tense up my jaw when I yawn. I hope it'll clear up by tomorrow, since I'm already worrying that there's something terribly wrong with me. (What does jaw cancer feel like?)

I Am Not Insane.

Ok. I'm at work writing this, FYI. I have the shade by my desk up about six inches, looking out obliquely towards the road and the other office trailer, which is dark and locked up. The sun set about an hour ago. The entire time I've been writing this, I've seen flashes of light outside.

At first I didn't think much about it, since we've had several popcorn thunder boomers^* come through this afternoon. But there was no thunder, and the flashes weren't localized like a normal flash of lightening would be. I started wondering if I really did see flashes out light outside. Was my watch catching the office lights and flashing it on the window as I typed? Was someone outside with a spotlight, shining it around for some reason?

Finally I stepped outside. It's terrible muggy, and the clouds are almost solid horizon to horizon. (Although the moon was peeking out just a little still, just over the horizon.) I was scanning around the parking lot and the road, looking for someone with a flashlight or something, when

flash

Ah hah. I should have known. Hot, muggy and cloudy, with a good chance for thunderstorms...

What else could it have been, except heat lightening?

^* popcorn thunder boomers: I have no idea if this is a local term, something just my parents use, or a term that's more universal... But these are those tiny little thunderstorms that pop up here and there in late summer, dumping rain and hail for five minutes before dissipating and appearing somewhere else. Very difficult to predict.