she's
actual
size

It's hot. It's muggy. It's sticky.

It doesn't matter how I arrange the fans, my bedroom is still hot at night. Worse, the sheets get damp from all the humid air that the fan sucks in through the window, so I always feel sweaty and gross when I wake up.

I have two closets in my bedroom. One has clothes and shoes. The other has stuff. In particular, the second closet has a very large Stuff taking up a big chunk of real estate in the middle. It's an air conditioner.

And it's not just any old air conditioner! No, no. This is a large, old, oddly shaped air conditioner that is designed for cooling large spaces. I don't have any idea as to its BTUs or BUTs or whatever. All I know is that it's a bitch to move.

And it's loud. When you turn it on, something inside the fan starts clanking. After the fan gets up to speed the clanking stops, but until then it's deafening.

clank clank CLANK CLANK CLANK...

I tried poking around in the fan once to see if there was something caught in there, but there were so many wires and hoses and metal bits I was afraid I'd damage the machine or myself. So the fan still clanks.

Once the clattering stops, the air conditioner gets down to work. All the lights in my apartment dim way down, and something akin to cool air seeps from the machine. It smells like ozone, but it's invariably cooler than the nice-smelling air in the room... So I consider it an improvement.

The windows never get a chance to get frosty, since the air conditioner goes into stand-by while the room is still somewhat warm. Cooler than it was, to be sure, but still warm. Even when the knob is cranked all the way to COLD, the room feels warmish.

Anyway, warm air slowly oozes into the room after the air conditioner has gone into stand-by, and the machine kicks on again.

hmmmmmmmmm hrrrr clank clank HRRRRRRRRRRR SNAP OOOooooooooo

Let's examine these noises, shall we?

• hmmmmmmmmm: This is the air conditioner in stand-by. Just humming and eating up electricity.
• hrrrr: The air conditioner realizes it needs to start the fan up.
• clank clank: The fan starts up.
• HRRRRRRRRRRR: The air conditioner gets going, pumping out that coolish air...
• SNAP: The breaker downstairs snaps off.
• OOOooooooooo: I lose all electricity on the second floor.

The first few dozen times this happened, I dutifully tromped downstairs to snap the breaker back into place. Eventually, I grew wise to the cause of my midnight wanderings. The air conditioner is too powerful for my apartment's electrical grid.

It's probably a good thing that I can't run it, anyway. My electric bill would be sky high.

Besides, could you imagine trying to sleep through all the clanking every fifteen minutes?

Me neither. I'll stick with my fans, thankyouverymuch.