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Ladies and gentleman, we have a word processor.
long, relieved sigh
Check it out! A real spell checker that won't freak out when I use long words like omnipotent. A font preview feature, so I won't be left thinking, "What the heck does Wolves Lower Case look like?" Bells and whistles and a cute little office kitty to sit in the corner of my screen at bat at butterflies...
Of course, this means that my one remaining excuse for not getting any writing done is gone. As of this moment, I'm slacking.
long, painful sigh
I really don't have much to complain about. I have had a hankering to do some writing, but the thought of wrestling with the freebie word processor I've been using was just too much. That thing was seriously a pain sometimes. But now I'm back up to speed...
Time to get back to work, I guess.
And right now? I have nothing to tell y'all about. Today was spent putzing around town looking for a dress to wear to my grand aunt and uncle's 50th anniversary. Instead, I bought two pairs of men's shorts (since my big fat butt never fits right in women's shorts). Hmph. I'll try again tomorrow.
But right now I have lots of things to do. I have two stories to revise, and lots of write. The stories have been bottling up in my head for over a month now... I'll be a relief to finally get them out of my head!
Confidential to the woman at Wal-Mart: The "I'm leaving now, good bye! I'm really leaving! See, I'm walking away..." trick just doesn't work anymore. It worked the first few times you used it, I'll bet... But your kid is onto that particular trick. Time to try a different approach.
Speaking of Things in my Head...
I found this little essay (the file was called "rant.doc") today while going through my folders. It was created on November 29, 1998, last modified later that night, and hasn't been opened since then. That was right before Dave admitted that he was interested in me, and I admitted that I was interested in him.
Context: I was working at FarAwayEvilCompany. I felt totally alone. I was totally stressed out every night, and on this particular night I felt the edge of solitude keenly. I wanted to tell Dave that I liked him... But I lacked the self-confidence to do so. To vent my frustrations, I wrote this:
I have been beaten, cheated on, and lied to. Now I view others with suspicion and contempt - even when it drives them away. This is not an excuse for how I am - it is only a fact of my life.
I spend the majority of my time alone. When I am around others, I put on false airs of happiness... I joke around, pretending to feel something that I don't. Most of the time. Sometimes the mere presence of others makes my skin crawl. I want to shout, "Leave me alone!" And when I am finally alone, I only wish for someone to talk to.
I have drifted through life, following imagined goals. I have always failed to reach them. I place my stars so high that I cannot possibly reach them. When I do achieve something, it feels hollow.
My pillow is always stained with tears when I wake. Each day I hope for something - anything - to happen, to take me away from all this. I do not have the courage to do it myself. Even in this I fail.
Ahead of me, my life stretches out to the horizon. An uneventful, meaningless path, meandering through the days like a switchback trail. There are no roses to smell, no scenic vistas to amuse me. Just bleak desolation.
When I lash out in anger at those around me, I feel free. I feel powerful. Then, later, I regret my actions. My childish actions. My lonely cries for help.
Night is the worst time of all. I lie alone in my narrow bed, clutching my pillow, waiting for sleep to overtake me and whisk me away. Sometimes, however, sleep is long in coming. On these nights, my mind races through things I could have done differently, things that I could have done but didn't, things that I wanted to do but failed. And why did I fail? Because I did not carry through. Because I did not follow directions. Because I was lazy, inconsiderate, stupid, short sighted, or foolish.
I used to have many aspirations. I wanted to travel the world, but I doubt I will ever leave Ohio. I wanted to be a writer, but I lack the conviction. I wanted to fall in love, but I always drive others away from me before I have the chance. I wanted to make a difference... But I will always be (and always have been) a nothing. The invisible one in a crowd. The forgotten one in a circle of friends. The listener, never the listened to. The lover, never the loved.
Yes, there are those that care for me. My family. A very small number of friends. Small comfort, though, when I can never open myself up to them. I fear my tears in the company of others. Show them, and show weakness. I cannot afford to show weakness - since my show of strength has always been that I am unmovable. I do not cry at sad movies. I do not scream in pain - it is to be endured in silence. If I weep, I lose my only show of who I am.
Dammit, I'm not making any sense. FUCK! Even trying to pour my heart out to myself, I fail miserably.
I am trapped by money. I am trapped by distance. I am trapped by solitude. I am trapped by envy, rage, sadness, and guilt. I can't kill myself until all ties with those who care for me are severed. I know that they care... But I cannot, will not, reach out to them! I'm not even sure why I can't anymore - just that I can't. It's a childish answer... "Why is the sky blue?" "Because."
What now? Kill myself slowly and painfully with cigarettes? Kill myself by slowing going insane, keeping this bottled up inside? Kill myself with alcohol, lack of medical attention, stress?
Fuck.
No. I'll keep on going like this forever, I guess. Alone. Keeping things bottled up inside me until I explode in irrational anger at my co-workers, my friends, my family, my cat.
Brief moments of light in an otherwise uneventful life.
I need to sleep. Then the alarm will wake me and another day will begin. I will put on my false face and go out happy into the world.
Life is much better now.
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