03 22 00

rethinking

Once again, I'm bored at work.

We are completely caught up on data entry. I've been fiddling around with creating a Microsoft Access application for the Maintenance Manager, but I'm stalled on it. (Some of the things I want to do require Visual Basic programming, and I'm totally inept at that. Err, rather, I don't know squat.)

In fact, I've been feeling very ineffectual lately. Whatever I try my hand at, I end up doing it half-assed. I have oodles of things that I need to do. They all keep getting pushed farther and farther back, simply because I don't want to do a crappy job on them.

There are a lot of projects hanging over my head right now. I am one of those people who starts something and never finishes it. Right now, I'm working on a fursuit head, a crafts project, and the wedding planner. In addition, I have several bits of stories floating around on scraps of paper, and a few that haven't even been committed to paper. One story needs editing. I also have a filthy apartment: a kitchen in shambles, a living room covered in car fur, a bathroom drowning in scuz, and a bedroom hopelessly cluttered.

But what hurts the most is that I'm feeling my creative spark dying. I don't know why, but I haven't been happy at all with the entries I've put out lately. My entry yesterday about revision seemed inspired when I started it, but by the end I was wondering why the hell I'd bothered. Who cares, hmm?

Each time I sit down to write I have two little Self-Editor angels (or muses, if you prefer) sitting on my shoulder. Lately whenever I write something, the Bad Angel tsks and says, "Oh, please. That's so trite. That's so been DONE already. Would it kill you to try something new? Pheh. This sucks. What ever made you think you could write in the first place?"

The Good Angel has been mysteriously quiet these past few weeks. I hope he only went on vacation, because I need him, badly, to cancel out the Bad Angel.

Heh. Strange. While suffering through this bout of Muselessness, I've had many thoughts of packing in the journal thing for a while. Not forever, but just for a week or so. "To recharge," as it were. But I sit down and start writing my "I'll be gone for a while" entry and I realize the entry became something else entirely. What's more, I then have a new entry, and I can postpone my hiatus for another day.

There will be a hiatus coming. It might not be this month. It might not even be in six months. But there will be one. (Besides, I plan to put the journal on hold while moving to Canada - I'll have way too many things to think about.)

No hiatus today, however. I should be back tomorrow, barring alien abduction, appendicitis or a sudden case of GotRunOverByABus-itis.

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