03 16 00

tricks of the trade

I love it when people try to pull one over on me.

No, I really do. I find it amusing.

I received a call at work tonight at 5:45pm from a young lady at the high school. "When does your next bus leave the high school?" she asked.

I checked the bus schedule and saw that the last bus left at 5:37pm. "The next one leaves at 6:32," I replied.

"Well, your bus driver left early."

Ah hah, I thought. I know this game, and I know how to play it much better than she. "What time to do have?" I asked.

"Uh..." She fumbled around and asked someone what time it was. Clue #1. "It's 5:40," she said.

Clue #2. "Well, it's really 5:45pm, miss. Your watch is running slow."

"No, the clock here says it's 5:40pm. Your clock is wrong."

A very common tactic, I'm afraid. "Our time is set automatically via radio by the atomic clock in Colorado," I said. "The correct time is 5:45pm. Your clock is running slow, and our driver left on time."

"Look," the young lady said, getting testy. "The clock here says the exact same time as yours. Your driver left early and left me and my friend here!"

Curious how her clock suddenly picked up five minutes, isn't it? "I'm sorry that you missed the last bus. The next one will be there at 6:32," I said, and the lady promptly hung up on me.

Yeah, there are a lot of tricks people play to get a free ride. If a bus really is running early, we'll send out a van to pick up the person - for free. But I had just seen that driver not 45 minutes before, and followed standard procedure to check her watch. She had the correct time.

Another trick (albeit a lame one) people play is saying that the bus passed them up while they were waiting at the stop. Now, this does happen. I've done it myself. You get into a groove while driving, and at night it can be hard to spot someone waiting at a stop. But the big tip off is when someone calls half an hour after the bus went by. Why did it take them thirty minutes to find a pay phone? It didn't. (And saying they were hunting for change never flies, because these people always call on our 1-800 number.) Most of the time the person was in a bar (or restaurant) and lost track of time. When they realize they missed the bus, they call to complain - but far too late to be credible. Too bad for them!

But bus drivers know tricks, too. Oh, yes. You have to know tricks. Here are a few of the best ones.

The Have-a-Seat Acceleration. When the bus is running late, the driver is intent on getting back on schedule. So when you get on the bus and stroll v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y to the back of the bus, we get mad. There are perfectly good seats up in the front of the bus. In fact, the bus is nearly empty. So we'll give the accelerator a little nudge, sending you flying into the nearest seat.

Now, nice bus drivers (like me) won't do this for little old ladies, people laden with grocery bags, or people with little kids. That's not to say it doesn't happen, because it does. The Have-a-Seat Acceleration is a powerful tool, and it must be used wisely.

Pissing Off Tailgaters 101. You're behind the bus in your big mean SUV or minivan. Yes, I know you're in a hurry. But you know what? I can't see what you're doing or where you are, exactly. Due to the placement of the mirrors, I have a 50' long blind spot behind me. Really spiffy buses have cameras and monitors set up, but most buses aren't spiffy. They're old. I just have mirrors. So when your front bumper is practically kissing my back bumper, you're invisible.

Getting behind me and honking because I stop to pick up someone doesn't help me move any faster. In fact, it just annoys me. My job is to stop and pick up people. That's what I do. Honking won't change my job description.

So, what do I do? I drive slow. I'll coast through intersections like I'm supposed to. I'll wait an extra beat at the railroad tracks, just to make sure there isn't an invisible train coming. I'll make sure my passengers are comfortably seated before moving the vehicle.

Having fun? I thought not. Don't honk at me.

I'm Bigger Than You Are. See that white line at the traffic light? The engineers didn't just think a white line would be pretty - it's there for a reason. It's called a stop bar. Why? It's cleverly named a stop bar because you're supposed to stop behind it.

Yes, I know that the stop bar for the left hand turning lane is waaaay farther back than the other ones. And yes, I know it galls you that the people going straight are ten feet ahead of you. Let me ask you this: Why do you care? They're going straight. You're turning left. It's not like they're going to beat you to the next red light; you're going in different directions. Yes, yes, I know. Ego. You must be ahead.

Anyway, the left hand turning lane's stop bar is waaaay back there for a very good reason. I need all that space to turn right. I don't have a cute little sports car like you do. I can't turn on a dime. My bus is 40' long, thank you. When you're back behind the stop bar, I have enough room to make my right turn. But when you crowd up over the stop bar so you're even with the cars going straight, I don't have enough room! I can't turn! You're in my way, asshole!

So when I start my turn and my front bumper ends up inches from yours, don't sit there are gawk at me like an idiot. Back up. Give me room. I'm paid by the hour, buddy, and I can sit here all day. If my bumper is in front of yours, you can't go anywhere either except backwards. So back up already!

Putting Up the Wall. Anyone who drives a bus must learn this trick or risk losing their minds.

You've seen them. The people who board a bus, sit directly behind the bus driver, and talk. Constantly. They chat about their dog, their wife, their taxes, their neighbor, their drinking habit, their landlord, their lack of friends... On and on and on. And I know you've seen the driver nodding occasionally or saying, "Really? Uh huh. Yep."

I'll let you in on a little secret: the driver isn't listening to them.

The driver is concentrating on driving, listening to traffic, listening to control on the radio, monitoring the passengers, and any number of other things that require attention. A chatty passenger just doesn't fit. There's a reason the sign says, "Please do not talk to the bus driver."

A seasoned driver, however, has learned to put up The Wall. It's an imaginary fence between him/herself and the passengers. The driver can hear a drone in the background, and is sensitive to pauses in that drone. When the drone pauses, the driver nods. Or says, "Uh huh." Or maybe "Yep." If the drone rises in pitch at the end, the driver knows a question has been asked. The driver will then raise his/her eyes to the mirror and ask, "I'm sorry, what?" And then the drone will continue.

These are all parts of a bus driver's repertoire. There are others, but I'll save those for later.

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