03 13 00

census

Yippee! It came. My census form arrived today (along with my credit card bill, but that's only exciting if you're my credit card company.)

It came in a nice, big, thick envelope. On the front is a big box that says, "Your response is required by law." Oooh, scary. Let's see what's inside.

They sent me a letter. How nice. "To all households:" Hmph. "This is your offical form..." blah blah blah. "Your answers are important..." blah blah blah. "Your privacy is protected by law..." blah blah blah. "Please be accurate..." blah blah blah.

This is boring. Let's get to the good stuff.

A reply envelope, postage paid. Good. Huge warning in two places telling me to make sure my bar code appears in the address window. The reply is addressed to Essex, MD. MD? Is that Maryland?

Here's the actual form. It's big and thick. Yay! Lots of questions to fill out. I love filling out forms; I'm weird like that. If I need help filling out the form I can call the Census Bureau. Oooh, must be complicated.

A nice big Start Here starts the form. Reminds me of the standardized tests from school. I wonder if there's a stop sign at the end. "Use black or blue pen." Aww. No pretty colors?

"How many people were living or staying in this house, apartment, or mobile home on April 1, 2000?" Does this mean I have to wait until April 1 to fill the form out? I mean, what if I get evicted or something before then? Hmm. I think I'll play it dangerous and fill it out now anyway.

Blah blah blah. Do I own or rent... My name... My telephone number... My sex (what, no "not lately category?")... My age and birthdate... Race... Ooh, I can mark more than one. White, black, American Indian, Asian Indian, Chinese, Filipino, Other Asian, Japanese, Korean, Vietnamese, Native Hawaiian, Guamanian (whoa) or Chamorro (wha?), Samoan, Other Pacific Islander, some other race.

Hmph. My race is human, thank you. marks down "white"...

Opening the form up... What? That's it? That's all they want to know? Talk about lame!

Hmph. I can think of a bunch of other questions they should have asked. You know, important stuff that a concerned government should know. You know... Stuff like income. Whether I work a full or part time job. If I work more than one job. If I have health insurance. If I own or lease a car.

What is your political affiliation? I used to be a Democrat, but even they are starting to suck. I mean, who cares about parties now? It's all rich white men running the show. I have no peer in Congress. (I don't think so, anyway. Are there any white females struggling to pay rent in Congress?)

Do you laugh whenever you see a guy smoking a cigar now? Yes, yes I do.

Do you have any pets? Please list species and numbers. This would have been a great question. That way, people who own lots of pets but who don't have kids would be able to claim more dependents. Cat, 1.

We're aware that if Pat Robertson ever came into any sort of power, the country would go to hell in a hand-basket. What can we do to prevent him from running for office? I don't think you need to do anything. Every time that guy opens his mouth he sinks himself deeper into the whole he's dug.

Do you believe that extra-terrestrial visitors have come to our planet? If so, what can we do to dissuade you from that idea? Yes, and nothing. You can't prove a negative. Hah!

Are you on the FBI's Most Wanted List? If yes, please stay put. We'll send someone right over. Um, ok.

Did you have fun filling out this form? Yes. It was much more entertaining that the real one. This is how you get people to answer questions; give them some fun ones!

About This

Skimming