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Did someone do something to the Earth's rotation today and not tell me?
Today dragged on forever.
I went into work at 1pm and twenty-six hours later, I went home at 8pm. Every six hours or so I would look up at the clock, and it had only advanced by half an hour.
I took one of my copies of Morphic Tales into work today, and everyone read my story. They all liked it. Warm fuzzy time. grin After that, it was a slow plod.
Finally the night ended. I came home and found some really fantastic spam in my email.
I've gotten all sorts of spam. Some of it is stupid, like the "Make Money Fast" things. Some of it is just obnoxious, like when they send it in HTML format and it starts downloaded pictures. But some of it is pretty damn funny.
Take, for instance, this gem:
To: atara@raex.com
Subject: Affordable Headstones For Your Loved Ones
Right off the bat I knew this would be good. Selling headstones over the Internet. I can imagine them saying, "No one has ever done this before!" Yeah, there's a reason.
We carry the largest selections of affordable headstones for your loved ones. Our stones are made from the finest granite and marble money can buy. Because we have manufacturers in India, China, and the United States to name just a few, we can offer you our headstones at prices that are lower than the competition. See for yourself how low our prices are.
Did they really think someone would say, "Gee, Uncle Joe just died. And look at this! Someone is selling headstones over the Internet! What a concept! Where's my checkbook?"
It went on with pictures and descriptions of their selection. Then at the bottom:
If you wish to be REMOVED from our mailing list, fax your email address to phone number removed or email us at email removed. If your email is undeliverable to us, that means our email account has been deleted and you must fax your request to the fax no# listed above.
Heh. Looks like they've had problems with their email accounts getting deleted for spamming, and they found a work-around. What a bunch of intelligent entrepreneurs.
Here's another bright one.
To: atara@raex.com
Subject: FREE CREDIT CARD MACHINE FOR YOUR BUSINESS
THAT'S RIGHT: GET A FREE CREDIT CARD MACHINE FOR YOUR BUSINESS. (You are receiving this email because you registered at one of our affiliate sites requesting information for your business)
Gee, looks like I forgot that I don't own a business and "accidentally" signed myself up to get information for a credit card machine.
Six hours later they sent the same message to me again. "Hey! We obviously haven't pissed you off enough already, because our email account is still active. Apparently you didn't read our offer. Here it is again."
Sometimes spam gives me evil thoughts:
To: atara@raex.com
Subject: Jessica
Hi Honey,
my name is Jessica and I want to invite you to new great UNCENSORED Adult Site.
Please, be very kind and support me there. Adults only!
I am sooooo tempted to reply to spam such as this with, "Hi! I'm six years old! I saw your pretty pictures! How did your boobies get so big! Mine aren't that big! Write back, pretty lady!"
Sometimes spam brings out the cynical bitch in me:
To: atara@raex.com
Subject: To whom it may concern
To what you're thinking yes, this is a solicitation for a product. I would like to add we do not wish to waste your time with a stupid program or get you to read a long pitch on our product, we would just like to say, please try it.
At least they get straight to the point. "We have a sucky product and have to resort to spam to sell it."
What is it? It's really a sticky note, memo messaging program for your computer.
You know, if I ever wanted to leave a sticky note to myself I just whip out the sticky notes and write myself one. I think that's much easier than opening up another program on my computer to run another program that does nothing but eat up my RAM. Call me a technophobe if you wish.
We know you might already have one you use or tried some already, but compared to the others we think this a good one.
And it's so good that no company will buy it from you, so you're forced to send unsolicited email in the hopes that you might sell one $20 program so you can buy yourself another blow-up doll. Uh huh. Cry me a river.
This exact same message was resent to me six hours later.
And finally, I present the Master of kooky spam. I always get excited when I see spam with a Taiwanese address, because it is invariably entertaining. The grammar errors, the misused words, the mistaken verbiage... I can't improve upon this spam - it is perfect how it is. I submit it here unchanged, in its entirety (missing only the URL at the end.)
To: atara@raex.com
Subject: Wellcome !!
Dear sirs:
Nowadays, man suffer great pressure from business, money, job, competition, and family. Physical and mental fatigue often have negative and unsatisfying influence on the harmonious bisexual relationship.
We can fully realize the pressure man suffers.
At this moment, only by improving the quality of bisexual relationship to the degree that both sides are satisfied can the man's confidence be boosted, the physical and mental stress soothed, and further the relationship sweetened.
After all, satisfying and showing every consideration to her is the best way to the maintenance of the sweet relationship between you and her.
Our product "Forever masculine persisting liquid" is a wonderful product that can satisfy both man and woman. It can make the bisexual relationship better instead of causing any unpleasantness and harm. It can even reinforce man's confidence
and the satisfaction and the sense of reliance from your mate.
It is our greatest wish to relieve you of both mental and physical pressure and promote your happiness.
Now that's entertainment.
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