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01 17 00
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01 17 00
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Last night Dave and I had a long discussion about us. We got into why I keep questioning whether or not I really love him, and vice versa. Is it love? Or are we just "settling" for whatever came along? I decided on three reasons why I keep worrying about this. The most obvious is that my mind likes to worry. When it's not occupied, it starts to gnaw on something until it becomes a full-blown worry. I have no idea why I do this. I've always done it. It bugs me. I wish it would stop. The second reason is my fear of change. I like humdrum. I like predictability. Whenever I go on a trip I always plan out my route and make an itinerary. I enjoy knowing what I'm going to be doing. True, sometimes I do like change... But big changes scare me. Loving Dave is a big change from what I was doing before. And if our relationship continues as it has been, we're both in for some major mondo changes up the road. Moving in together, marriage, and who knows what else. This frightens me silly. The third reason is that I think my mind is looking for a mistake. I love Dave completely and fully, and I don't think my subconscious can deal with that. When Dave tells me how much he loves me, some little part of my mind is thinking, "Yeah, whatever. No one is going to love you like that. Give it up." So my subconscious is looking for something that would negate that love... Something that it can look at and say, "See! It wasn't love after all. You're unlovable, silly. Let's just get back to being alone, shall we?" And every time I grapple with these thoughts I think and ponder and contemplate until I end up with the conclusion that I really do love him. It's terrifying. It's wonderful. How could I have let myself fall for someone so completely? Every time I do this I get hurt. But I trust him. I miss him so much.
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Looking Up In the Northern Hemisphere, during the summer, our nighttime sky faces the center of the galaxy. The Milky Way makes the night sky hazy, and it is filled with stars.In the winter, our night sky faces the edge of the galaxy, facing away from the center. The stars are fewer, but brighter - probably because there's little haze from the Milky Way to fuzz them out.
______ of the Day Today's whine is that I agreed to work for the Maintenance Manger tomorrow, so I'll have to be there by 9am.
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