01 08 00

alone

Last night I spent some time with the friend that I mentioned.

She burst into tears while leaving work, and I asked her what was wrong. I spoke with her for a long time on the phone after work, trying to piece together what was bothering her. Finally I found the problem. Yes, she was glad she was getting away from that abusive asshole, but she was afraid of being alone. Not afraid that he was going to come after her, although I'm sure that played a part.

She was just afraid of being alone.

I understand. I've been alone.

There were times when I was so afraid of being alone myself that I would cry into my pillow at night until I fell asleep. I would curl up on the couch in a darkened living room, terrified of spending the rest of my life by myself. No one to share it with. No one there to comfort me in my moments of darkness. Isolated. Forever.

Then I met Dave.

Now when I'm confronted by those dark times, I know that someone out there is thinking about me. When I turn out the light at night, alone in my bed, I can close my eyes and imagine there is someone there with me. He may not be with me physically, but knowing that he is out there is a tremendous comfort.

I am still afraid.

If anything should ever happen to him, how would I know? If there was an accident, or a sudden disease, or a disaster... Who would tell me? How would I know if he was safe? If he was hurt?

If he was dead?

For each time I count my blessings that we found each other, there is also a moment of breathless, heart stopping fear. Fear that he could be taken away from me like that. Fear that I would never find out what happened. Fear that I would be alone again.

So there are still nights of crying into my pillow. There are still lightless evenings in the living room, hugging myself tight. But there are also times of incredible joy at being part of a whole.

______ of the Day

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