01 03 00

wishes

I've finished the entries about my trip. You can find them here: day one, day two, day three.

Dave made it home.

Barely.

He ended up in two ditches on the way home. Once because he spun out on a patch of ice (spinning around twice before sliding backwards and sideways down the highway at 65 mph). The second time because a deer jumped out in front of him.

I know that if anything had happened to him, I... Well, I don't know what I would do.

First I'd blame myself for not drawing out our goodbye. (Dave said he knew why my departure was so abrupt. He said it was probably better that way anyway, and thanked me for being so rational. I hate being rational sometimes.) I'd blame myself for not soaking up every moment I had with him.

But he's safe, and ok.

He mentioned that I seemed to be a bit distant this weekend. I think I've finally put together a reasonable picture of my psyche for this trip. I was sick, so I was a bit muzzy and disconnected the entire time. My throat hurt, my nose was running, I was coughing... I basically felt like crap.

On top of all that I knew that as soon as I said hello I'd have to say goodbye. That's true whenever we see each other, but it was really bad this time. We couldn't really concentrate on each other since there were so many other people there. We really only had one full day together, and that was in the company of others for the most part.

If I could go back in time and replay the weekend there are a few things I'd change. First, I'd say "no" to the movie offer. Instead, I'd suggest that Dave and I go to a mall or see a movie by ourselves, so that the whole day (or most of it) could have been ours alone. The nickel arcade was fun but I went on the trip to see Dave, not to play video games. Also, I would have told Dave about my "abrupt departure plans" that last night and then just carried them out. (Never mind that it was a spur of the moment thing.) He said he understands, but I still feel strange about it.

And I would have told him that I love him. Yeah, I told him that many times this trip, but I wanted to say it more. I wanted to pin him down on the bed and whisper it in his ear over and over. While we were driving in silence to and from the arcade I wanted to sing it to him. When I stood by my car just before I drove off, I wanted to throw myself in his arms and tell him one more time. When I saw his name pop up in my ICQ list tonight, I wanted to send him a message that said, over and over, "I love you."

But I didn't. I wish I had.

______ of the Day

Skimming