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debt again

I was so very tempted to not write anything in my journal today. I am feeling very tired and headache-y and wiped all over the pavement.

I spent most of the weekend staring at my checkbook and my budget. You know, playing around with numbers. And I came to the conclusion that no matter how I wrangled the figures, I do not have enough money to cover my bills every month.

Frankly, looking at my budget and the checkbook, I'm amazed that I've managed to get everything paid every month. According to the numbers I have, it's just Not Possible that I've been able to do this. (Maybe I do have checkbook fairies.) But somehow it's worked out.

So far, that is.

But every time I sit down with another stack of bills in front of me, I get a terrible knot in my stomach. "What if I can't cover it all this time?" Ugh. Just thinking about it now is making me feel ill.

It doesn't help that my hours are being slightly cut this month due to the holiday. frown I've been in this situation before, working a part time job during the holidays. But I was never paying off all these loans before, either. If I didn't have the loans, I would have an extra $320 a month to play with. More than enough to get me by. Heck, that would be luxury compared to what I'm doing now.

I've kind of put off looking for another job. I think I was so sure that they would hire me that I've just been sitting and waiting. I mean, it's been a long time since I've actually had to look for a job, I'm not sure what to do. For almost six years now, I've had job offers handed to me. Or I just made a call to someone I knew and asked if they were hiring, and the response was always "Can you start today?"

So tomorrow I'm going out and trying again. I'm tired of complaining about how broke I am, and I'm sure you're pretty sick of it too. Unfortunately, it occupies a great deal of my mind right now.

The thing is, I work such a funky shift where I am now, I'm afraid that no one will want to hire me. All I'll be able to work is mornings or midnights. I know that good people for midnight shifts are hard to come by, and I have a small lead on one such position. But if I work midnights, I really won't get to talk to Dave much.

sigh Well, whatever happens happens. Time for me to grow the fuck up and try to straighten my life out.

Wish me luck.

______ of the Day