12 05 99

blue

I hauled out my Christmas decorations today and set up the tree. Jaws seems to be ignoring it pretty well, but it's only been up for a few hours. We'll see.

My apartment is now a big freaking mess. I mean, worse than it was before. I hope I'll be able to get it a little more organized tomorrow. I just don't feel like working on it today.

I miss Dave. A lot.

After I set up the tree I lazed around on the couch for a while, just looking at the tree and watching the lights blink on and off. (I have these really obnoxious multi-colored lights that blink in time to these out of tune Christmas carols they play. Fortunately you can turn the sound off if you want, and they'll blink to the music silently.) I was trying to guess what Christmas carol they were blinking in time to when I was suddenly hit with a wave of loneliness. The one thing I wanted most in the entire world at that moment (and this moment as well) was to have Dave curled up beside me, watching the lights with me.

I let myself drift for a moment, pretending he was here. He said, "I think it's playing Jingle Bells." I pictured myself gently elbowing him, because they were obviously blinking to Silent Night. I imagined him wrapping his arms around me and kissing my neck. My face was wet for some reason...

Coming out of my fantasy, I wiped my tears on the quilt.

I've been lonely before, pre-Dave, but this is different. This time I know there is someone out there who's missing me the same way I'm missing him. It doesn't make it easier. It doesn't make it better. But it does make it different, knowing he's out there. Sometimes it feels like I can close my eyes and point exactly at the place on the horizon where he would be.

Northwest at 313.8°.

Nine hundred seventy-two miles.

One thousand, five hundred sixty-four kilometers.

Eight hundred forty-five nautical miles.

That's where he is.

There an online comic strip I read that only comes out with new strips once a month. But he always does a Christmas strip.

When I saw this year's strip, I looked at it for a good five minutes. I didn't cry; I just looked. I went on to do other things... and came back to look again.

The main character, Sabrina, is a lot like me. She likes toys, and collects Transformers stuff like crazy. She met a guy over the Internet. They become very close. Finally they meet each other at a sci-fi convention.

Sound familiar?

But Sabrina isn't able to spend Christmas with this guy... And hence the strip. (The toy she is holding is of the character Silverbolt, a dashing and gallant hero.)

Just caught myself staring at the strip again.

This is going to be a rough Christmas.

I love you, Dave, and I miss you very much.

Looking Up

Spinning

Any music I would listen to today would be dark and depressing, so I decided not to subject myself to that.

Go Somewhere