Damn it.

I have to get a second job.

When I was originally thinking about getting a second job, it was more along the lines of "Oh, I'll have some more spending money." But I am broke. Really broke. I was broke before, but I'm even broker now.

For the past month I've been living paycheck to paycheck, and it sucks. When I get paid, I deposit the check, write out all my bills, and then sit idly waiting for the next paycheck. And those bills don't include stuff like food. And I hate using my credit card to buy groceries. You see...

About six months ago, my uncle gave me a very large cash gift, for which I was incredibly and forever grateful. I used half of it to pay off my credit card (which had an astronomically high balance), and the other half on a down payment for Dexter. And what has happened? Well, my credit card balance is almost up to what it was before! I bought plane tickets to Canada. I renewed my ISP subscription. And I bought tires. Bada boom, bada bing... Right back where I started. frown

I suppose that I could have not gone to Canada, but I really really really wanted to see Dave. (Besides, he's been down here so many times before and I'd never been up to see him, so it was my turn.) And I guess that I could have not renewed my ISP subscription. Begin ISP subscription rationale. The Net is really my only contact with Dave. And the way I figure it, the ISP bill is cheaper than a long distance phone bill if you break it down by month. Plus, I don't have cable, and I made a choice between cable and the Net a long time ago. I'm sticking to it. End ISP subscription rationale.

I did, however, need new tires.

The balance on my credit card is something that I must keep from my parents. Even if I broke it down the way I just did above, they (especially my dad) wouldn't understand. My dad actually paid cash for Dexter, and I'm making payments to him. He could get a much better interest rate than I could (something about the mortgage on my parents' house). In my eyes, if he is getting his money every month he really shouldn't complain. But in reality if he knew how much I owed on my credit card, he'd flip.

Man. I am so in debt. If you total up my school loans, the car loan and the credit card I owe about $16,500.

And I know (I know I know I know I know!) that if I told my parents what I owed on the credit card they would flip, but then deal with it and understand. But I'm so afraid of the "flipping" part I can't tell them.

I'm an adult. They understand this, and let me make my own choices and whatever. But they keep picking at me about stuff. Like going back to school. Like how much I'm in debt. (Hello, if I'm in debt so deep then I can't afford to go back to school!) Like getting a better job. And other related stuff.

I wish they would just leave me alone. I know that they love me and just want me to be happy and safe and well fed and financially stable. But they're a constant intrusion on my life, sticking their noses in everywhere. And until I get my credit card dept under control I'll keep feeling like I'm under their scrutiny, even if they don't know. I hate keeping things from them, but I have to do this.

So I'm going to look for a second job. Tomorrow, after I go to my old job to get my water gun, I'll come back here and look around. Target has a big banner up saying that they're hiring. Maybe I'll even forego the trip to the state line and just look. That might be a better idea. I'll probably apply at Target, Kinko's, Ames... God, I'm so desperate I might even apply at Wal-Mart.

This sucks.