I got dressed today, but just barely. I've been wearing my leopard print slippers all day. There are things I need to do. My jack-o-lantern has begun to collapse in upon itself. The dishes still haven't been done. But for some reason I just haven't had the urge to actually get anything accomplished.

This has nothing to do with the fact that Dave is gone. He's left on a two-week vacation to British Columbia to see his family and some friends who live there. During that time we will be practically incommunicado, except for email and possible ICQ sightings. I'm fine with it... For now.

In case I've been vague before, I am in a long distance relationship. It has some advantages. It has lots of disadvantages. But so far this little love affair has gone much better than any of my previous relationships have.

The first real relationship was with Paul. I had just started college and was very eager to learn about myself. Paul came along at just the right time. I was at the gas station checking the oil in my ancient car when a slick-looking guy pulled up at the next pump on a Harley.

I don't even remember how we started talking, but before I knew it he was standing next to me. He was so close I could smell his leather jacket. He asked for my phone number, but since I was still living with my parents I was leery about giving it out. I got his number instead. I called him the next day.

He was Irish, and had lived part of his life in Belfast before moving to Perth, Australia to live with his aunt. Then he moved here, working as a house painter. He was everything I had dreamed about in a boyfriend: cute, funny, intelligent. He had a charming accent and a beautiful Harley. He also loved sex. I was a virgin.

I had vowed way back in high school that I wanted to be sure about a guy before letting him do the Deed with me. Paul was impatient. There was something about him that unsettled me... I would catch him staring at me with a hungry look in his eyes. It frightened me.

After we had been dating for three months, I had reason to fear him. During an argument about our lack of sex, Paul slapped me across the face. He immediately apologized, and I forgave him even as I felt the welt from his ring rising on my cheek. I should have walked away then, but I didn't.

He slapped me a second time a few days later. He apologized. A week later he punched me in the shoulder. He apologized. He grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me. He apologized. He shoved me against a wall, holding an arm across my chest so tightly that I gasped for air. He apologized. He hit me across the face, cutting my lip on his ring and giving me a bloody nose. He apologized.

When he wrapped his hands around my neck, choking me and shouting, "Is this what you want? Is this what you want?" I finally came to my senses. I told him we were through.

I should have filed charges. I should have reported him to the INS. I should have fought back. I should have walked away after he hit me the first time. But I didn't. He left a soppy note in my mailbox telling me he was so very sorry for everything that he had done, and that he was moving back to Perth. I never saw him again.

I didn't date for a long time after that.

In college I became reacquainted with a guy I went to high school with named Duane. We became very good friends and eventually started dating. True, he hadn't broken up with his previous girlfriend (no, sorry, fiancée) when we actually started seeing each other. But he took care of that. I was so fucking stupid. Three guesses what he did to me. Yep, he cheated on me behind my back... Just like he had done with his fiancée.

I'm an idiot. Fortunately I didn't sleep with Duane in the three months we were together. Erm, actually we were only going out for 2 months because for half a month he was still letting his fiancée hang on and for half a month he was cheating on me.

I had a brief little thing with a guy named Duncan. He was a lot like Paul, except more sissy. He was a total pretty boy, intelligent but too stupid to act it. Take Paul, make him thinner, grease back his hair, slant his eyes just a bit, and replace the Harley with a Scirocco. And he was a total ladies man. He would flirt terribly with any female that came his way, and I would sit there and watch. During the brief time I was with him, my self-esteem shrank almost into oblivion. He didn't hurt me physically, though. I didn't sleep with him.

Not too long after that, I hooked up with a guy in my major named Scott. He was a graduate student. I was 22. He was 35. He was attractive, intelligent, articulate, funny and nice. Very nice. Too nice.

After all the losers I had gone out with, Scott was a total shock to me. So when he left for the summer to do work on his thesis and didn't call to say goodbye or anything, I freaked out. We had only been going out a few weeks (and I hadn't slept with him either), so I guess he thought it wasn't very serious. When he got back, I basically told him it was off.

He was pretty upset. He talked me into dinner and a movie, but I felt too uncomfortable to go on. I managed to convince myself that he would find a way to hurt me, and I let the relationship die. It was awkward, though - he was the teaching assistant for one of my classes. I had to see him almost every day. One night when we were alone in the lab together, he told me he worried about me.

I almost gave in, but my fear of getting hurt crushed any hopes for that relationship surviving. My trust was gone. After I graduated we lost contact. I hunted around on the Internet for him, but I could only find old addresses and out-of-date phone numbers. For two years I kicked myself.

Then I met Dave online.

I trust him completely. Having time to get to know him before actually meeting him has given me time to learn how to trust a man again. At 25 years of age I am a virgin, but I have learned a lot about love, relationships, and myself. When they hit you, leave them. When they cheat with you, they will cheat on you. If they make you feel bad about yourself, they aren't worth it. You should be wary, but not paranoid.

I can trust. I can believe. I can love.

I am not afraid anymore.