I think winter's trying to make an appearance.

All day the weather has been windy and cold and sleety and rainy and yucky. You know, that miserable crappy weather that makes you want to stay home, curled up on the couch in your pjs with a good book and a cup of cocoa. Unfortunately, I had things to do today that required actually getting dressed and going outside.

Dexter was due for his 3,000 mile oil change, and the appointment was this morning. I took him in and also mentioned that the brakes seemed to pull to the left a bit. The verdict: he needs new tires. They quoted me four new tires and an alignment at $350. I mentioned this to someone at work and they thought the price seemed reasonable. But I'm used to buying $30 tires so this comes as a bit of a shock.

And I'm a bit miffed at Dave. Nothing serious, just mild annoyance. I sent him a little Halloween card and a note for him to take with him on his trip west. (He leaves Friday.) I wasn't sure if it would get there before he left (and I wanted it to be a surprise) so I was fretting. (You know me and fretting. grin) I told him to "ask me" on Wednesday. "Never mind what about," I said. "Just ask me."

So last night I finally log on after my neighbor left, and I get a really enthusiastic greeting. I smiled, since I was pretty happy to "see" him, too. We chatted for a while I checked my email and newsgroups, etc etc. I didn't really think much about the overly spirited greeting, since he does that when he's bored occasionally.

Well, after I was online for a few hours, he decides it's time for bed. As an afterthought (or so it seemed to me) he mentioned, "Oh, I got your card - just in case you were wondering about that greeting you got. I really liked it."

sigh

Maybe I'm operating on a different wavelength from him. But if he sent me something, I would let him know as soon as I saw him online that I had gotten it... Not just casually mention "Oh, by the way, whatever you sent me got here."

Am I being too touchy? Too sentimental? After all, it was just a stupid card. But, if he hadn't mentioned it to me last night I would have waited until Wednesday to tell him about it ("I sent you a card, and I'd hoped it would get there before you left...), and then felt silly because he'd already gotten it.

I've been thinking about this all day. Thinking about my expectations for this relationship. Maybe I'm expecting the wrong things.

WTF am I saying? It was just a card. I'm PMS-ing and I'm in one of "those" moods. Lord help me if I ever have any serious problems.

I think my problem is that I love obvious expressions of affection, like cards and little notes and stuff. Now, I'm not saying that I'm expecting him to send me roses every other Thursday. Far from it. I would be perfectly happy with one of those online cards, or a little something out of the ordinary to let me know that he's thinking about me.

growl I hate this. I'm at work and the only thing I want to do is talk to Dave and tell him all this. Explain it to him. But I still have an hour to go before I can go home. As soon as I get home I'm logging on and telling him how I feel.

I talked to Dave when I got home tonight.

I feel like a heel.

Turns out that he carried the note that I put in the card around with him all day today.

I love him so much. I have tears running down my face, making it rather hard to type. Maybe the feelings I had today were mostly due to the frustration I feel: not being able to see him that often, not being able to hug him when I need it, this awful knowledge that he is so, so far away.

All I want to do now is give him a big hug, in person, to let him know that I still love him.

But right now I have to settle for "Atara hugs you tight." I wish I could do more.